“Hurry up and get that kettle on Billy will ya, I’m parched,” demanded Mickey as the back door slammed shut behind him.
“You know where it's kept if you’re that desperate. Anyway the coffee is made and it’s in the pot steeping,” replied Billy
“Steeping?”
“Aye Linda got into using these cafetiere things with proper coffee. She binned all the instant stuff.”
Billy slowly pressed the plunger down, separating all the coffee bits from the murky brown liquid, and poured them both a mug each. The mugs were already nearly a third full of semi-skimmed. But the milk didn’t seem to do anything to lighten the colour of the coffee.
“Cheers lad, I need this,” as he took a sip. His smiling face turned as if he was a bulldog sucking on a wasp, “What the hell, this is awful, dunno how you can drink that muck”
“Tastes lush ya wuss”
“Do you not sweeten it?”
“Nah messes with the flavour”
“It needs messed with. Do you have any sugar?”
“Nah, Linda is on a health kick, she binned that with the instant coffee”
“Any sweeteners?”
“Nah”
“I'll take an apple or a pear that I can soak in it. Anything”
“I've got a Twix finger left. I’ve had to hide it from Linda. It’s behind the tins of tomatoes in the cupboard behind your head.”
Mickey reaches into the top of the cupboard, and finds the solitary finger of the Twix tucked away. Unwraps it and drops it into his mug.
“This is much better, not only will I get the sugary goodness, I'll have a mocha.”
“Weirdo”
Looking back into the cupboard he spots something interesting and pulls it out examining it, “What's this? A jar of funny coloured dried mushrooms?”
“Oh... Well… That’s for special occasions. That’s my dream time drink”.
“Drink?” asked Mickey.
“Yes, you know, you make a tea with them”
“Oh, these are magic ones?” waving the jar.
“Aye”
“Never actually seen any of these before. What're they like?”
“Far better than that weed you and Fran smoke non-stop.”
“Howay man. You know that's pain relief for her arthritis. Codeine doesn't touch the side anymore when her knees give her agro”.
“That doesn't explain you though, does it”
“You don't like to drink alone, well she doesn't like to get high alone. C’mon tell me, I can’t say no to her could I? It would be rude”
“You'll need triple the dosage tonight for it to have any effect after that coffee”.
“It's still stripping the coating off my tongue”
“Stop moaning. There's a bit left over carpet in the outhouse. Make a rug for it,” indicating outside with a backward thumb gesture to Mickey.
“Talking of carpets, we better get this shifted”.
“Aye, coffee time over. Grab that end and slowly roll”.
“This isn't my first clean up. I do know how to do it”.
“I'm aware of that Mickey. But look at the size of this fat bastard. It's going to be obvious if his arms fall out and dangle down and this is my house. Can’t have the neighbours seeing, now can we. Especially with his head twisted around the wrong way. They already think I'm a wrongun. Don't want to give them any more ammo on that score.”
“Maybe we should tie his hands together up first”.
Billy looks down to see the corpse looking back at him even though his arms are wedged under his bloated stomach, “No. I don't want to have to roll his lard arse more than once. As it is, it’s going to be painful enough getting him to the crematorium.”
“We better hurry. Fran can't keep the doors open after 4 o'clock. The last burning is scheduled for quarter past 4”
“She's a cracker your Fran. Give her a kiss from me tonight as a thank you”
“Keep your mitts off her Billy. Otherwise I'll get Barry to help roll your skinny arse up in the last of that carpet”.
They smirked and got back to it.
“Remember Mickey, bend with the knees, one, two, threeeee.. Jesus he weighs a ton”
